In this blog, I build on those ideas to explore the choices we make when dealing with conflict and the way in which different choices lead to very different outcomes. More specifically, I explain the destructive conflict tendencies we often default to and the productive conflict choices we can make instead.

Before I dive in, it is important to be clear about what conflict is and is not. Conflict is simply the intersection of different perspectives, ideas, wants, or needs that are in tension with each other and not easily reconciled. As I’ve discussed in prior blogs, if dealt with skillfully, conflict provides opportunities for positive change and growth. Unfortunately, when not dealt with skillfully, conflict tends to result in negative outcomes such as arguing, fighting, or outright war.

Importantly, these detrimental outcomes are not conflict; they are the result of failing to deal with conflict productively. Or, in other words, they are the result of people choosing to respond to conflict poorly.

Which leads me to the first point…

We have a choice about how we respond to conflict—and how we choose to respond matters

If you’ve been reading our recent blogs, hopefully by now you’re convinced that conflict “just is”: it is a healthy, normal, unavoidable part of life. Unfortunately, we tend to see the world through a win-lose, zero-sum mindset, which leads us to treat conflict as a threat. And when we do that, we tend to react poorly in situations of conflict, which leads to bad outcomes and reinforces our belief that conflict is a problem.

This is why I’m convinced that the most important thing we can do to get to a better place with conflict is to stop seeing conflict as a problem and to instead embrace the fact that conflict is unavoidable and, if skillfully handled, can be productive for everyone involved.

How can we be skillful and make conflict productive?

The good news: To make conflict not win-lose and to harness the co-creative potential of conflict, all we have to do is focus on what really matters.

The bad news: For most of us, this requires a rewiring of how we see the world and what we pay attention to, and that takes some serious commitment and effort.

Let’s illustrate through the story of the orange

A mom came home and found her two teenage children fighting over the last orange in the house.

“Gimme that! I need it!”

“No way! I need it more!”

Frustrated by the squabble, especially since she was hoping to come home and have a pleasant Mother’s Day with her two kids, the mom charged in, angrily told them to stop fighting, and cut the orange in half.

Every year, I train and coach hundreds of professionals and university students in the skills of collaboration and conflict resolution. In working with these diverse individuals and teams from across the country and internationally, I have come to realize that a few simple shifts in how we see, understand, and deal with conflict can totally change our relationships with each other and ourselves—as well as the outcomes of our interactions—in profoundly powerful and positive ways.

One of the most important shifts is simply to move from seeing conflict as a problem and something to be avoided to instead seeing it as a healthy, normal part of life. The reality is, as I put it, “conflict just is”—it is unavoidable. We will not always see eye to eye, and we will not always want or need the same things. When we accept this, it frees us up to see that conflict, if properly handled, can actually be quite productive. Accepting and embracing that “conflict just is” empowers us to take responsibility for making conflict productive and avoiding things that will likely lead to it becoming destructive (such as ignoring it or personalizing it).